1:47 p.m. - 2003-12-01
Avoiding the inevitable Boom
Do you ever feel like there is so much going on in your brain that it will explode?
Do you ever feel like you�re trying to keep yourself busy with inconsequential bullshit so that you don�t have time to actually think about all these things that are going on in your brain that is making it feel like it�s going to explode?
Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?
I had the day off yesterday. Completely off: no work, no plans, no pressing errands to keep me occupied. I didn�t like it at all. First off, I just didn�t want to get out of bed. For the duration of the morning (and until somewhere in the vicinity of 2:30 p.m.) I floated in and out of sleep, waking up every of so often to noises or people talking. I just couldn�t bring myself to actually make the trip out of my queen sized, flannel covered bit of heaven. I was comfortable and my head was filled with warm fuzzy dreams and fantasies. I knew that when I left my room, I would be walking into all of the thoughts that keep me awake at night. I so I stalled and avoided and fought to keep myself asleep until I just couldn�t do it anymore. I had to wake up. Frankly, I had to pee.
I made myself a cup of tea and headed off to the living room. Already, I could feel my thoughts drifting to things I would have rather left alone. I turned the computer on and skimmed through a couple of new emails and right off the bat there was one in there that I just didn't need or want to see. A small, seemingly innocuous email that totally threw me off. In retaliation, I attempted to play some FreeCell but it wasn�t working. There wasn�t anything immediately available to keep my mind off life. I knew what I really needed was TV, the mightiest of all Brain Drains. I can watch useless and stupid programming for hours on end just to drown out my inner dialogue. But I have no cable at my apartment, or decent videos for that matter, and I was getting restless. I had no choice but to have a shower.
For me, a shower sets my day in motion. If I�ve been a lazy ass, sitting on the couch doing jack all for most of the day, I know that when it�s time to get in gear the first thing I will do is have a shower. It refreshes me, calms me and I get to sing. Loud. What better way to start off you day than with a shower? But I digress.
After my shower, I realized that there was one thing I had to do that day � I had to pick up my car. Whenever I end up drinking after work, I leave my car in the Fish House parking lot. It�s relatively safe there (we�re not counting the time my stereo got stolen) and I know it won�t get towed. Generally, I stay at my folks� place in these situations as it�s closer and allows me to avoid an hour bus ride or a 30 buck cab. But, I had people going the same direction as me, so I we all shared a cab and I went back to my apartment. Now, however, I had an hour long bus ride back to my car. And my Discman was at the office. Shit. While I Rode The Rocket, I tried to keep my brain occupied with insignificant things � the fact that people who ride the bus generally look like their spirit has been broken and they�ve been left with nothing but the TTC, how the Excel-lerate Your Breath ad was hinting that mine was less than fresh � but my mind wanders when there�s no real distraction. I was happy to get back to the car, turn the radio on and get on with my day.
I had brought with me a load of laundry (I was completely out of socks) to take the folks� place. They have the Big Screen there � not only a suitable Brain Drain, but big enough that you can�t help but be preoccupied with it. When that was done, dinner with a friend and then beers at the apartment with people. All in all, very effective distractions. I didn�t think that I would be able to get to sleep last night after my big sleep in, but somehow, it didn�t take me long to pass out. I was thankful.
But, as I was drifting off, those pesky thoughts were starting to trickle their way into what was left of my consciousness. I thought to myself that perhaps I will have to deal with them eventually, take them through to some sort of conclusion or at least battle with them for a while. I�d rather not, though.
And so, instead, I will fill my time with work and drinks and coffees and TV and hope that they will just go away on their own. Either that or have my brain explode.
